& It Comes on the Rain...

Listening to:

"Kylie"-William Fitzsimmons

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Today...was a terrible day.

Actually if you wanna get down to it, it's been a pretty rough month.

Hell...ya know what?

Let's be completely honest...it's been a bad 1 year, 1 month, & 23 days.

There. I said it.

Raise your hand if you feel the same way. Go ahead, don't be shy...there ya go.

It seems to me like every time I think I've got it figured out, every time I find something that truly makes me happy... *BAM* it doesn't work out. Ever. As a matter of fact we should start a pool on how long things take to come crashing down around my feet...at least maybe I'd win some money out of the deal!

That's right folks, this is one of -those- blogs & I just became -that- girl. Fabulous.

Hey... little known fact: I always get a few flames whenever I write about my personal life. Let me apologize to those people. Normally I ignore you, but today I will address you. Sadly, I am a real person & shit happens...no, really..no joke. Okay, a little more seriously... I do it because it's how I feel & what I feel strongly enough about at that time to put in to writing. If I wrote about anything else at that very moment, it would be disingenuous. If you don't care to read that material...then you should have stopped about 6 lines ago when I warned you.

That said...

Like any person, when I am having a rough go of it I turned to a friend. I could not talk to my usual -amazing- sounding board (you know, that friend you turn to talk to about ANYTHING b/c they are your numero uno...you totally just mentally bounced to that person) My substitute friend was a failure at being helpful lol. Said friend proceeded to tell me all the things I am good at...my nine million hobbies. It's true, I have about a million hobbies...know why? To keep my mind off all the things that I can't keep together that actually matter.

A-ha moment, nay?

So said friend and I talk as I sit on the porch in the rain. I start telling him the ways I am trying to narrow down what it will take to get my life on the right track & how people that I really admire & respect have been really giving me great guidance. I tell him all kinds of things about this past week and after about 30 minutes of rambling I pause. There is a brief silence and suddenly he says, " You are just too deep for a girl, damn. You think too much."

My first though? I'm thinking I picked the wrong substitute sounding board.

My second thought? Hey, buddy, the 1800s called...they want their mentality back.

My third thought? Maybe he's right.

Well dear reader guess what?

The Good News: I have picked a career, photographer 'til the death! And.....I picked a degree (finally). Did you hear that? That loud whooshing sound? Yeah that's the sound of my immense number of family members breathing a huge sigh of relief.

The Bad News: Don't lie...you knew it was coming. I am seriously beginning to lose faith in people.

It's pathetic. And jaded. And true.

Talk is cheap & people can't be relied on.

Period.

I know you dear reader. Your first reaction is to disagree vehemently. You can't help yourself, it's a knee jerk reaction...no one wants to believe that anyone else can lose that much faith. You're thinking, "No! People aren't THAT bad!" or "Not EVERYONE is like that!"

But as you wait about 2.5 seconds, or about 8 words later....

your mind has already betrayed you.

Admit it...you are doing it right. now. You are thinking about that person who told you one thing & meant another. Or that person who double crossed you. Maybe it's the one that screwed you over & then stabbed you in the back. Or maybe it's the person who just up and changed their mind on you & left you hanging...

Whatever or whoever it is, was it worth it? Now, all the Positive Pattys out there are mentally shouting, "YES! Yes it IS!"

NOTE:

These are all the people who are either in happy relationships, amazing careers, orrrr just got a fat inheritance.

Personally, I immediately discredit.

I guess all I'm saying is how many broken roads (ie bad decisions, poor judgement in people...) does a girl have to stumble down before someone gives her a dang road map?! or a compass? Hell, I'd even settle for star navigation lessons!

I sat on the porch tonight in the rain.

It was lovely.

Just trying to grasp something that would sort the thoughts in my head...some way to not think. I watched the lightening tear across the sky running from the rumble of the thunder.

I envied it.

For those of you who don't know me well enough...I'm a bit of a flight risk. For all of a minute I seriously considered jumping in the car and taking a road trip to clear my head. I hear New Mexico is nice this time of year. I wanted to tear across the road running from all the stress of the last year just like the lightening ran from the thunder.

And then I didn't.

That's right. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be the lightening tearing across the sky. I wanted to be the rain pouring steadily down to it's own beat. Huh, maybe there's hope for me yet. Who'd have ever thunk it?

This might seem like a small shift to most. Trust me, it's not. Not for a person like me. Perhaps I have been going at everything all wrong. Either way, I have challenged myself with two new personal goals. One, to clean house. If you think about it, chances are you should too. Get rid of the toxic people in your life...they will drag you down. Believe me. Two, make a valid attempt to focus on the people & things that people have done to make me want to keep the faith. Right now, I have zero.

You know what's tragic about not being able to trust anyone wholly?

It's lonely.

Being the over thinker that I am, I am sitting here at my computer still dwelling. Dwelling on the last blog I wrote, dwelling on all the people that have made me lose faith. Everyone from the very first long ago, to the very most hurtful, to the most recent final straw. I am thinking about all the people that I have watched get burned by other people. Maybe there's a few I burned myself. Was it selfish? Maybe there's more to each time someone does something to make another faithless... maybe there's not. Who knows?

For the rest of the faithless out there...I just want to leave you with this: Maybe you should give cleaning house and a change of perspective a shot too?

Maybe at the end of the day we should all just treat each other a little better every day.

All I really know is...

I don't ever want to make another human being feel like this.

Well dear reader...

I'm not gonna hold my breath for my level of faith,

but I will drop an extra penny in the well for the rest of you.

Signing out,

Your Faithless Free Spirit.

P.S. This is why I am an animal person & not a people person.